Six things NOT to say to an arachnophobic!

Hello Friends,
Well, here it is, the time of year when damp autumnal foliage & fence posts are festooned with these.

Lovely to see, aren't they? Can't help but admire both the technical construction & aesthetics. I find myself doing quite a lot of admiring, but only if the Resident is currently AWOL. I have pretty bad arachnophobia. Even typing the first half of that word, 'arachno.' makes me shiver, as the adrenaline response automatically kicks in. My arachnophobia was learned as a child and I'm sorry to say has not lessened as an adult. It feels truly ridiculous, but we all have our limits. I have friends who freak out at the thought of a bird falling down the chimney, or a mouse running across the floor. No problem! I can catch mice & birds without batting an eyelid......or bats, large furry moths, ferocious looking beetles, all fine. My phobia relates only to critters with eight legs.....excluding octopii.....(especially when done szechuan-style with bucket-loads of chilli).

With my life-long dread of spiders, I can tell you that there are certain pieces of helpful advice which I've heard time & time again. I decided it's time to compile a definitive list of........

Six things never to say to an arachnophobic

1) "It's far more scared of you than you are of it".
It really isn't.

2)"It's barely half an inch across".
Irrelevant. Size isn't everything. If an arachnophobic can see the familiar 'blob with eight legs' outline, it will be sufficient to trigger a response.

3)"Have you ever considered aversion therapy?" (Usually followed up by explanation of how this would involve looking at pictures, examining caged beasts & eventually letting tarantulas sit on my arm)
No! I don't want to get up close & personal with spiders. Ever. I  don't want them to come in my house. If there's a scheme anywhere for how to achieve that, I might be tempted to kick in my course fees.

4)"It's ok, Babe, it's nearly dead".
'Nearly dead' is not 'Actually dead'. There is a subtle biological difference. 'Actually dead' is still pretty scary & needs removing pronto. 'Nearly dead' is NOT DEAD AT ALL. It's toying with you, waiting for you to get brave, then waving a leg or resurrecting itself more fully & charging your chair. A variant of this Thing Never To Say To An Arachnophobic is "It's that time of year,  they're just coming indoors to die". Look, we have a decent-sized shed, a 130 foot garden & other perfectly good houses as alternative arachnid death sites on either side of us. There is no need for their end of life histrionics here.

5)"Have you seen those long-handled spider-catching gizmos?"
Yes. Of course I've seen them, but like all other arachnophobics, I know that no handle the manufacturer could realistically use could EVER be long enough to put the required distance between myself & the beast. I mean, some of these things are barely the length of a standard ruler.  That's 30 cms if it's a long time since your maths days. I would need a pole of at least 4m, forged from some naturally spider-repellant material to prevent unwanted charging in my direction. That level of thought is never going to go into a product of this nature, found as it usually is alongside automatic banana slicers, single gigantic heated slippers & battery-operated ear wax removers.

6)"But you have a cat. Does he not eat spiders?"
<Sighs>. I can't tell you how many people have told me that their cat aces the full spider tracking, catching & dispatchng service. If such felines exist, I have unfortunately never had the pleasure of owning one of them. The trouble with cats is that they SOMETIMES catch spiders & they SOMETIMES eat them. Mostly they do neither of these things properly. They mangle the beast to the degree that something has to be done about it before leaving it somewhere disturbingly visible or if they do dispatch it, ensure that the gory remains are left in as creative a spot as possible. Albert Whiskers has recently enjoyed splatting a large example to the stair wall, mashing it into the wallpaper as efficiently as possible so as to hinder removal attempts by my Rescuer from Such Things. So, if you have a cat which will deal properly with spiders, I can only envy you. As with everything involving Albert Whiskers, Tummy-Time tends to kick in before any non food-related task is completed.

So while these are beautiful & a harbinger of frosty mornings to come, they also signal for me a scary season of checking shoes & boots every time I put them on, peering nervously in the bath first thing each morning & jumping out of my skin every time I see a piece of black thread on the floor. Thank goodness I share my life with someone who is able to tackle even the freakiest monsters, or I should be a sorry mess indeed at this time of year!

Hope everyone's enjoying the late September sunshine.
Till next time,
C x